Posted by Jan Wencel on Wed, Mar 24, 2010
Because being assertive so often delivers improved personal productivity, I'm back again with the fifth post in a series reviewing Dr. Manuel Smith's 1970 book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. You'll find dialog and quotes from the book.
Negative Assertion
"As I began to teach non assertive people in nonclinical settings how to cope, it became glaringly apparent that many of us have the same difficulty in coping with our errors in everyday life...and few of us can change our beliefs that errors are wrong (we are guilty) simply by thinking about it.
"How then do you cope assertively with your errors? In the simplest manner, you verbally cope with your errors as if they are exactly that, no more or no less--errors are just errors. In the terminology of systematic assertion, you assertively accept those things that are negative about yourself.
"Although it may seem paradoxical at first glance, those of us who cannot cope assertively with criticism also seem incapable of coping with compliments."
Following are three situations from the book to further explain:
"Assume you have agreed to leave an information file on your desk at work so a fellow employee could use it over the weekend. On Monday morning, the friend approaches you and asks where the file was on Saturday. You remember that the file was locked up on Friday night and not left on your desk. What can you say?
"Oh, my God! I forgot to leave it on my desk! What an incredibly stupid thing to do! What are you going to do now?
"You didn't do to well in...(criticism)
"You're right. I wasn't too smart in the way I handled that, was I?
"...when you are genuinely complimented on your choice of clothes and you feel they suit you well, you might reply: 'Thank you. I think it looks nice on me too.' (Agreeing with the truth.)"
Please share situations where acknowledging a negative or a truth helped you get things done and come out ahead.
Posted by Jan Wencel on Fri, Mar 19, 2010
For all you When I Say No, I Feel Guilty fans, I offer another Dr. Manuel Smith's assertiveness tip. I've included direct quotes and dialog from the book hoping you'll enjoy it as much as I have.
Fogging
"In teaching people to cope with manipulative criticism from other people, I instruct them not to deny any criticism (that's simply responding in kind), not to get defensive, and not to counterattack with criticism of their own...I suggested that as a rule of thumb, they might learn faster by verbally replying to manipulative criticism as if they were a 'fog bank.' I have used other labels...to describe this assertive skill when it is used in everyday situations to cope with manipulative logic, argument, guilt- and anxiety-inducing statements. (1) We can agree with any truth in statements people use to criticize us (AGREEING WITH THE TRUTH) (2) We can agree with any possible truth in statements people use to criticize us (AGREEING WITH THE ODDS) (3) We can agree with the general truth in logical statements that people use to manipulate us (AGREEING IN PRINCIPLE).
"Critic: I see you are dressed in your usual sloppy manner.
Learner: That's right. I am dressed in my usual way.
Critic: Those pants! They look like you stole them off the Goodwill rack without pressing them.
Learner: They are a bit wrinkled, aren't they.
Critic: Wrinkled is the understatement of the week. They are positively dreadful.
Learner: You're probably right. They do look a bit worse for wear.
"As you can see in this training dialog, the practice of FOGGING does several things. First it forces the learner to listen to exactly what the critic says...It teaches the novice to be a good listener, to listen to what is actually being said--not to read minds--by the critic instead of interpreting what is said to conform to the novice's own self-doubts and insecurities, what we all secretly feel or think. In addition, it forces the learner to think in terms of probabilities--what he would be willing to bet money on, not in absolutes, in yes or no, blacks or whites, 100 per cent or zero."
Do you have a habit of being defensive? Do you know someone in your life who would be floored by your fogging?
Posted by Jan Wencel on Tue, Mar 16, 2010
Back again with the third assertiveness tip from Dr. Manuel Smith and his 1970s book, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Following are quotes and dialog from the book to teach a lesson on self disclosure.
SELF-DISCLOSURE
"Assertively disclosing information about yourself--how you think, feel, and react to the other person's free information--allows the social communication to flow both ways. Without self-disclosure, the following up of free information would make a conversation very stilted, giving the impression that you are playing the role of an interrogator or district attorney, or simply prying into the other person's life without sharing any of your own experience.
"PETE: What did you do today? Anything spectacular?
JEAN: No, I just studied all day. [Note: Jean...gave free information that she was studying. Pete could then ask: (1) What does she usually do when not studying. (2) What sort of exciting things have happened to her lately, (3) What is she studying for, and (4) Why was she studying at this particular time.]
PETE: What are you studying for?
JEAN: Shakespearean literature and biology of reproduction. [Note: Pete could respond to Jean's statement in two ways: (1) Impersonal, or (2) Oriented toward her personal interests. The first would be a response such as 'Tell me about Shakespearean drama.' The second would be more personally oriented, i.e., 'How did you become interested in Shakespeare?']
PETE: Gee, I like theater. What a combination, Shakespeare and reproduction! How come you're interested in Shakespearean drama?
JEAN: My mother was a drama major in college before she met my father. I guess I picked it up from her.
PETE: My family never had any acting talent. How do you feel about your mother giving up acting? I think it would be neat to have someone close to you who knew all the Broadway and Hollywood people.
"Disclosing private information about ourselves to other people is a very effective assertive skill, not only in social conversations but also when there is conflict between yourself and another person." Smith adds the lack of eye-to-eye contact is a very common avoidance technique.
The next time you have a conversation where you want to be more assertive, let it flow both ways. Look the other person in the eye, and really put yourself in the conversation.
What habits can you change to become more assertive?
Posted by Jan Wencel on Thu, Mar 11, 2010
The assertiveness tip for today is the second in a series of tips from author Manuel Smith, creator of the 1970s seminal piece When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Following is a helpful passage from the book to help those looking to obtain a more assertive posture. Enjoy!
WORKABLE COMPROMISE
"Many people learning to be assertive, often for the first time in their adult lives, do not understand why verbal skills like broken record are used. They ask: 'What do I do when the other person doesn't give in or is assertive to me also?' The answer to the question is that our true sense of self-respect has a priority over everything else. Consequently, if you keep your self-respect through exercising your assertive rights with skills like broken record, you will feel good even if you do not achieve your goal immediately...It is practical, whenever you feel that your self-respect is not in question, to offer a workable compromise to the other person."
What Smith tells us here is simple. As long as you don't loose your self-respect or dignity, you have been assertive and are using healthy compromise skills.
In what situations can you see yourself employing a workable compromise?
Posted by Jan Wencel on Wed, Mar 03, 2010
I'm guessing by now you've heard at least one thumbs-down message about multitasking. It slows you down. It increases your error rate. It makes you stupid. It causes you to drive like your blood alcohol level is .08 when you're stone-cold sober.
So then why is it that:
• The phrase blackberry jam was recently coined to describe the sidewalk congestion caused by people walking while tapping on their phones?
• 3,300 iPhone users and counting have rated "Email 'n Walk," an application that overlays your email window with a view from your camera so you can watch where you're going when you type?
• The New York Times is publishing the "Driven to Distraction" series to enumerate on the dangers of double dipping during commutes?
• I feel compelled to put links throughout this newsletter, promoting you to multitask!?!
This excerpt from yesterday's NYT article helps to answer:
"Scrambling to protect his company...he grabbed his cell phone...cradling it between his left ear and shoulder, and with his right hand e-mailed instructions...from his laptop...all while driving his rental car in a construction zone on a two-lane highway. 'I thought I was doing a great job because I was being productive...It's an adrenaline rush. It's the buzz we all get of trying to do everything you can in business.'"
We would all be less stressed (& safer!) if we spent fewer moments multitasking, but don't take my word for it. Play this three-minute game to see for yourself.
Links to: blackberry jam, email 'n walk, driven to distraction, office work is high risk